Post 3-And Now I'm Afraid?
I'm all booked up to spend one blissful night by myself, from 3 p.m. till 11 a.m., and now I'm afraid of being alone? What gives? I start to question my decision, and I think, I can still back out, I can, I still have time. But, I hang on and try to figure out why I'm afraid.
Is it because I haven't spent time by myself in a really, really long time?
Is it because I'll have to occupy myself for hours?
Will I discover that I'm really, truly boring?
Then it hits me.
I'm afraid to be without my husband. The little girl in me doesn't want to be without him but the grown up girl, with the big girl pants, doesn't want him near. Its kind of like this...
Honey, I want you to come to the hotel, but you need to stand outside my door. This way, I won't feel so lonely. But don't knock or ask to come in, and don't complain or need to use the bathroom because that might agrivate me because I want to be alone. And, you better not get mad because that will make me angry, and ruin my night. Just stand outside the door so I know I'm not alone.
When I told my husband about this feeling, he didn't bring me to the loony bin, but he also didn't understand because he came from a nice, stable family. That's it! Stability! Something I lacked as an adolescent, my teens, and even my twenties. My husband is my safe person and sometimes in some situations, I'm afraid to do things without him.
And the truth shall set you free! I know you can't see me but I'm doing my version of the happy dance, and it's not pretty.
Healing comes from discovering, expressing and owning ones truth. Am I still afraid? A little but at least now I know why.